Lying in bed staring at the shadows dancing on the wall from tree branches outside. The wind guides them where to go much does life take you to unexpected, wonderful, and terrible places. Your soul is exhausted and your body not far behind, while your mind can’t stop thinking about the same things over and over. All the things that you cannot change weigh heavy, slowly crushing you as if under an avalanche of wet snow counting your last moments. Waiting for the phone to ring and hear those words, “we’re calling to inform you that your daughter is dead”. Listening to the frogs outside chirp in excitement, it’s louder than the ringing in your ears but not loud enough to block out what you know is coming. Time after Time, fact after fact, injury after injury yet justice has gone on vacation and is nowhere to be found. Obsessing over what you’ve done wrong is part of living as the victim for so long, finally buying into what your abuser has worked into you for years. That time seems nothing compared to your perfect picture of who you wanted them to be, even though they are nothing like it. Ignoring your gut and following your heart will cost you dearly because love does not lead wisely, finding yourself lost with a swollen face and a broken nose. Asking yourself what you could have done better makes no difference with someone who’s sole purpose is to destroy your being. Nothing ever done or provided will be good enough and when they lose control of that, what’s left. An innocent child, undeserving of what has and is yet to come, that should never shed a tear over things that are daily emotions. At such a young age being brainwashed to want her father dead and to punch other children because that’s how control and manipulation are maintained. The abuser can’t lose that control or they fall apart, they have no other purpose but to inflict as much damage possible at all times. With your kind nature even after years of physical and emotional abuse, there is still sorrow for them that they have nothing else to live for. How sad to be so worthless and without purpose in life, not able to focus on a meaningful goal. The damage to others is not forgotten, resulting in an abundance of emotional growth you have to recover and heal from. The nightmares keep you from resting and when you do sleep shock brings you back from that rest. Never allowing for true rest as you had once upon a time, it’s become a fairytale, something you long for every day. The feeling of hopelessness consumes your day and night wherein protection of your own child is impossible while she’s too young to even understand what’s happening. Seeing the emotional instability kills you inside knowing this child is so innocent and loving in nature but is simply corrupted by hate and malice. Children did not ask to be born and come into this world with no responsibility, needing parents to nurture and teach. Unfortunately, some humans are not bred for nurture, instead of coming from a family of hate and lies never seeing personal growth or fulfillment. Keeping the broken cycle is instinct to them like meth to an addict, it must happen there is no other objective to them. They cannot feel satisfied until someone else is hurting emotionally, or physically and when that need can not be met the game will be eliminated. My daughter will be eliminated, for she is nothing more than a game piece on a board of premeditated pain. How lonely is it being a homicidal psychopath not feeling remorse for anything that they do? Does it make them feel strong to prey on innocent children that can’t defend themselves? Thinking and doing things you can’t bring yourself to focus on before feeling sick to your stomach while it doesn’t bother them in the least. They constantly get away with it because of gender and so much practice as a pathological liar leaving you hopeless and hurting.
No one will help you, so you lie in bed, staring at the shadows dancing on the wall. Ignoring reality is your coping mechanism to have any kind of a normal life while being ripped to shreds on the inside. That family has been your dream since childhood and it’s never been so far away with no good end in sight. This can’t be all that life has to offer, pain and suffering should not be primary to all. Saying goodbye to your child and wondering if it’s the last time you’ll see her alive. The pain of thought alone is immeasurable and inconsolable. Craving the family dynamic whilst being alone and knowing that family is court-ordered into danger and won’t be stopped until someone is dead. That is our justice, that is our law, the American dream is dead assuming it ever existed. A father should not have to think about his children in this manner and so frequently. A mother hurting her own daughter out of spite is now labeled a sperm donor because that’s all she is worth. Barely above the value of common dirt under your shoe, they do not deserve respect, they deserve to be in prison. There are a lot of terrible parents but it takes a special kind of human to harm your own flesh and blood and feel satisfied with such an atrocity.
As I lay in bed staring at the shadows dancing on the wall, I must force myself to rest. Arguing with my demons that she will live to see another day so I can find enough peace to close my eyes. Screaming at them that my sweet child will be OK even when I know she isn’t. Repeating to myself, I am enough, I have done all in my power to keep her safe and accepting that it isn’t going to succeed, but what matters is that I am relentless. I will not allow others to blame their own insecurities and problems on me, I am in control of my own life and I am enough. I will stop blaming myself for the shortcomings of others, it is not my responsibility and I am enough.
I am beaten. I am bruised. I am tired… But I am enough.