As I lie staring at the ceiling, I wonder about the wrongdoings in my life.
What could have been?
What would have been?
What should have been?
All the energy used, was it spent right or could it have been more wisely expended. Why did I not see the results of my actions, why was I blind to it? Blind to you, blind to the world.
Tossing and turning.
The time wasted and wanted. Why wasn’t it used in the construction of a better life?
Lack of rest, Fading, Drifting in and out only to be met by pictures of the past and haunting memories. Some that seem more real than the breath on the window, thick enough to draw a picture.
What would that picture be?
But no, stay focused.
But why.
What is the result now, what will it be.
How do we go so far on nothing but faith and good wishes? Do they even work, is there such a thing as Karma. What is this force out there that we all fear? We all know but we dare not say, don’t share, don’t say what’s really on your mind. The fear that it makes us weak.
Mankind is weak. We are weak because we are divided. Anything to be better than anyone else. Never stopping to think of our fellow man. Never thinking of anyone but ourselves. What a waste. What a bloody waste of life. Was this our purpose to reach a point of Independence that we don’t need anyone else.
Sleeping or waking, catching myself coming and going.
How cocky do we get before we will fall?
Apparently well over the limits. Once the deed is done it can’t be taken back nor changed. Hindsight is 20/20 my old man always told me, how right he was. About more things than I like to admit. I come by it honestly though. Always ignoring the advice given freely, to find out on my own that it was on point all along. So clear it is now, what seemed so indistinct and undefined. So stupid not to see what was right in front of my face.
Each mistake leads closer to the edge.
One more step.
Tempt fate to see who wins.
Wait, snap back to reality.
98 ceiling tiles chased by lines and full of dust from the years past. What history have they seen in this house? Cracks and moans of the walls as the wind blows and the rain thumps on the tin roof. Almost as if it were alive and living here, allowing refuge for those who live within.
Feeling her heart beat against mine brings me back down to earth. Lying on my chest is the one thing in my life that wasn’t a mistake. Watching her little movements and ticks as she sleeps. Resting so peacefully as if there were naught a thing wrong in this world. To her, there isn’t, she is safe being held and knows there is no better place.
Where the problems drift away and nothing else exists. Oh, how I wish for to be able to rest as easy, rest as soft, rest.
Feeling no pain, having no worries, nothing else exists except that moment. Each moment can be this way.
Don’t give up, go that extra mile, say that extra compliment, don’t leave things unsaid.
Why be selfish and pity yourself when a simple kind word could mean the world to someone else.
So little effort can go such a long way.
Be that difference in your own life as well as others. Spend your time wisely and discredit regrets.
Rest…